第618期:Non-apology apology 你会道歉吗?道歉是一门艺术也是技术

昨天我们讲了non-denial denial,表面上是否认各种指控,实则是偷换概念转移话题的一种说话技巧。

今天我们继续这个领域的话题,来聊聊 non-apology apology 不是道歉的道歉。

读者中如果有在做Public Relations或销售、商务谈判工作的,请仔细阅读本文,或许对你的工作有所启发,也欢迎分享你的看法和例子。


A non-apology apology, sometimes called a nonpology or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse. It is common in both politics and public relations. — Wikipedia

*上面这段维基百科的定义中有一个生词 fauxpology,是faux + apology合成的。

Faux是一个法语词,意思是人造的,仿制的,虚假的,等于英语的false。发音是“否”,x不发音。

例如,faux leather 人造革


Non-apology apology也叫做 nonpology或fauxpology,指的是听起来像是道歉,实际上一点歉意都没有的说话方式。

英语中最常用的表示apology的句型是 I’m sorry. 但并不是所有的I’m sorry都是表示道歉的。

举个例子。

一个美国的政府官员违章超时停车被警察贴了罚单,在接受媒体采访时,这位官员是这样“道歉”的:

Nobody is sorrier than me that the police officer had to spend his valuable time writing out a parking ticket on my car. Though from my personal standpoint I know for a certainty that the meter had not yet expired, please accept my expression of deep regret at this unfortunate incident.

对于让警察先生花费了宝贵的工作时间给我贴罚单这件事,没有人比我更抱歉了。尽管我自己认为那个咪表并没有超时,但请接受对这一事件的深深的懊悔。

你觉得他是在道歉吗?

完全没有。反而是在暗示要么是咪表坏了,要么是觉得警察太闲了,小题大做。用一种夸张的口吻悄悄揶揄了贴罚单的警察和自己的不认可。

这样的apology就是一个fauxpology,非常tongue-in-cheek (言不由衷)。


还有一个著名的nonpology的例子是2014年CNN的一个主持人在节目中说话冒犯了一个嘉宾,事后这位主持人这样“道歉”说:

“If my question to her struck anyone as offensive, I am sorry, as that certainly was not my intention.”

如果我当时问女嘉宾的那个问题让人觉得很冒犯的话,对不起,因为那肯定不是我的本意。

这个著名的道歉句型被美国媒体称为 ifpology,因为以 “if”开头,尽管句中也说了I am sorry,但完全是为自己辩解的,没有任何歉意。

在non-apology apology的所有例子中,佛老最欣赏川普总统。

2016年川爷在竞选中因为说了一些不恰当的言论,遭到媒体和民主党的质问,我们来欣赏一下川爷是怎么“道歉”的:

“‘Sometimes in the heat of debate, and speaking on a multitude of issues, you don’t choose the right words or you say the wrong thing.  I have done that,’” Trump said, with a slight smile.

“‘And believe it or not, I regret it.  I do regret it, particularly where it may have caused personal pain.  Too much is at stake for us to be consumed with these issues,’” he said.  “‘But one thing; I can promise you this: I will always tell you the truth.’”

漂亮!教科书式的nonpology措辞技巧!

Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., MFT写过一篇文章,总结了12种最常见的fake apologies句型,看看你是否也听到过这样的insincere apology.

1. I am sorry if . . .

This is a conditional apology.

2. I am sorry that you . . .

This is a blame-shifting apology.

3. I am sorry but . . .

This is an excuse-making apology

4. I was just . . .

This is a justifying apology.

5. I have already . . .

This is a deja-vu apology.

6. I regret . . .

This sidestepping apology equates regret with apologizing. There is no ownership.

7. I know I . . .

This whitewashing apology is an effort to minimize what happened without owning any hurtful effects on you or others.

8. You know I . . .

This nothing-to-apologize-for apology tries to talk you out of your feelings or imply that you shouldn’t be upset.

9. I will apologize if . . .

This pay-to-play apology is not a clean, freely offered apology.

10. I guess I . . .

This is a phantom apology.

11. X told me to apologize . . .

This is a not-my-apology apology.

12. Fine! I’m sorry, okay!

This is a bullying apology.

一个真诚的道歉(sincere apology)一定是直接地说出事情本身,并直说自己sorry,没有if这样的假设。

一个不真诚的道歉(insincere apology)总是有条件的,说着说着不仅不是道歉,反而是在埋怨对方了。

道歉是一门艺术,也是一项技术。

各国政客、各大公司的新闻发言人都要经过apology专项培训,这也是佛老工作的一部分内容。

怎么培训呢?我们留到明天讲吧。


参考阅读:

The Top 12 Fake Apologies — And What Makes For An Authentic Apology