第1721期：When I Was Lonely（“佛老请你喝一杯”第三季投稿选登）
本文作者：Rebecca R.
孤独，是人类在心灵无所依附时，一种自然情感的流露。每个人在人生不同的阶段都会有不同的感受。
小时候，小朋友们一起玩跳绳儿，只有站在边上看眼的份儿，这是渴望接纳，落单的孤独。少年时，背着书包，坐着绿皮火车，离开父母，寄宿学校，这是莘莘学子，离家的孤独。
青年时，拖着行囊，带着梦想，负笈异地，这是背井离乡，远行的孤独。
中年时，双鸟展翅高飞，寂静的厨房，这是相看两不厌，空巢的孤独。
孤单不等于孤独。孤独，不是单身一人在山上或青水边，而是挤身在熙熙攘攘的大街上，人潮拥挤的超市里；孤独，不是独自挑灯夜读的时候，而是心灵困在三观没有交集的七嘴八舌当中。
我最难忘的孤独，是2020疫情中所经历的一切。
空荡荡的写字楼，商场，飞机场；处处可见的暂停营业的餐馆，健身房；鸦雀无声的校园，高速公路；千人千面的口罩夺走的微笑；远在网会，在家工作不能一起走步的同事；近在咫尺，染疫隔离不能相见的家人。
我，有，说不出，多孤独！
那天清晨，独自一人，情绪低落地坐在电脑前处理手头的工作，键盘的敲击声，手机屏面疫情状况更新的恼人小叮当，在空荡的客厅里显得格外入耳。偶尔抬头望着窗外的天空，这才注意到湛蓝的天空逐渐变成了橘黄色，心里渐渐有点害怕，没料到烟雾这么快地吹到我所居住的地方。最近，家不远的山中有好几起山火，好几个周围城市已经被山火肆虐。天空越来越黑，刹那间，白昼立刻变成了黑夜，接着，电脑显示屏一下子拉黑，一场又一场的烟火又造成了我居住小区的电力中断，突然间，我被一片漆黑紧紧包围，巨大的孤独感就象外面的黑雾吞噬了我，不安的恐惧感攫住我的心。
疫情，气候暖化，极端的意识形态，分裂的社会群体，2020, 难道整个人间要进入世界末日不可？就在各种思绪倾泄而下时，窗外小鸟啾啾的叫声，打破了黑暗的沉寂，想起前不久，鹌鹑小俩口在院子大树安巢筑窝，他俩可否安好？便打开手电筒，透过窗户，看到嗷嗷待哺的三只雏鸟扑腾着羽毛未丰的翅膀，在浓浓烟雾的笼罩下紧紧依偎在两只大鸟的旁边，两只大鸟机警地转动着小眼珠回应手电筒的光照，温暖小家人在极端恶劣的天气下，紧紧相拥的画面，让我眼眶一热，“难道你们还不如飞鸟贵重吗？你们谁能用忧虑使自己多活片刻呢“ ，有灵的万物，天公话语的安慰，我的孤独感，掺杂着那些负面情绪，慢慢消然殆尽…
清晨与黑夜，在岁月的流转筒上继续往前交织着，疫情也已过去了，家人早巳康复了，人们的脚步又重新回到快节奏的步调，我们其中大部分的人都很忙，难得花点时间，坐在家里，一起好好聊天。
2020的漫长孤独，让我思考了人生，寻找了好些给自己带来变化的小确幸，注意了原来没看见的美，更加懂得珍惜与家人,朋友和同事相处的时光，享受着安静，不孤独的快乐。
When I was lonely
Author: Rebecca R.
Loneliness is an expression of emotion in which one feels that they have nothing to attach to. Everyone feels differently at different stages of life. When I was young, children often played jump rope. Only I stood on the sidelines to watch. This was loneliness as a child. When I was a teenager, I carried a backpack, rode on a green train, and left my parents for college. This was the loneliness of a student away from home. Having to live in a foreign country, the loneliness of nostalgia strikes deep. Now, my two birds spread their wings and fly high; the loneliness of empty nesters never tires of seeing them come back.
Being alone is not the same as being lonely. Loneliness is not being secluded on a mountain or the creek but being huddled in the bustling streets and crowded supermarkets; loneliness is not reading alone at night but when the mind is trapped in a flurry of complicated and meddling thoughts.
The most striking period of loneliness hit me during the pandemic: empty office buildings, shopping malls, airports, restaurants, and gyms everywhere. Thousands of people and thousands of smiling faces obscured by masks. Loved ones and friends who cannot see each other due to epidemic isolation; made me feel indescribably lonely. In the early morning of those days, I sat alone in front of the computer in a low mood to deal with work. The sound of my keyboard and notifications ringing on my phone were particularly jarring in the empty living room. Occasionally, I would look up at the sky outside the window and notice that the blue sky gradually turned orange. Recently, there have been several wildfires in the mountains not far from home, and several surrounding cities have been ravaged by the inferno. The sky was getting darker and darker, and in an instant, the day turned into night. Then, the computer went black, as the fires caused a power outage in the surrounding area. I was once again surrounded by darkness. A huge sense of loneliness engulfed me just like the black fog outside, and an uneasy fear seized my heart.
Geez… Covid, global weather warming, extreme ideology, polarized society…
Just as the thoughts were pouring down, I heard the chirping of the birds outside the window, interrupting the dark silence. I suddenly thought of a couple of quails nesting in the yard’s big tree. “Are they safe?” – I shined a flashlight through the window and saw three chicks waiting to be fed, fluttering their fledgling wings, and nestled tightly next to two big birds under the cover of thick smoke. Their small eyes fluttered in response to the light, and watching the little family hugging each other tightly in the midst of such chaos, made my eyes water, “Are we not as precious as the birds? Why worry only to make yourself live for a moment?” All living things live under the comfort of God’s words and my loneliness slowly disappeared…
Morning and night continue to pass on the never-ending hourglass of time. The pandemic has passed, families have recovered, and the world has returned to its fast pace. It’s rare to take some time to sit at home to have a good chat together. When I get along with my family, friends, and coworkers, this loneliness reminds me that I have to cherish and enjoy quiet but not lonely happiness.
