第1178期：If your wife got a job promotion, what would you say?

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Two months ago, my wife got a job promotion. She was happy, not ecstatic though, as the salary increase was not much, not on a par with the job grade, at least.

I said to her, “Congratulations honey! That’s something they’d have done long ago. You totally deserve it.”

What I didn’t realize was my response to the news of her promotion was dry and feeble, even though I meant real congrats. 

The way I reacted is called an active destructive response, in psychological terms. 

The effect on her?

I guess it was just like wallpaper, not very impressive, nor motivational. 

There are four ways to respond when someone you love shares good news, experiences, or information about them, namely:

  • Passive Destructive
  • Passive Constructive
  • Active Destructive
  • Active Constructive

The four ways of responding can be grouped in a two by two table as follows:

Examples?

  • Passive Destructive
    Not paying much attention, changing the topic of conversation by saying “oh, that’s good. What’s for dinner?”
    Warning: you should never respond to your wife/husband this way.

  • Passive Constructive
    Passively engaged with little enthusiasm and doesn’t make a big deal of the situation by saying “That’s not bad.” and nothing more.
  • Active Destructive
    Actively points out the problems associated with the ‘good’ news, creates doubt and concern about the scenario, completely kills any excitement, like what I said to my wife. 

  • Active Constructive
    Actively responds to the good news with interest and enthusiasm, asks questions that help to almost re-experience the moment, the conversation is a pleasant and joyful one for both participants by saying “that’s amazing, I’m so happy for you – tell me how you felt when you got it!”

If given another chance, I would have said this to my wife:

You know dear, I’ve worked in your company for nearly 8 years and I had not seen anyone got promotion to your new grade. There must be something that you did really impressed the top management and even changed the company. 

But exactly, what did your boss say to you when she told you you were promoted? 

And tell me more about the strategy and plan you’ve made for your new assignment. 

Guess what?

My wife would have felt way better and started to share with me how she really felt, what made her proud and frustrated. 

That way, I would have done justice to my wife’s promotion. 

I learned this from the class of Positive Psychology by Prof. Martin Seligman. 

Reference

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